To be nobody-but-yourself – in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody but yourself – means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.” E.E. Cummings

i don’t belong: the fear and pain of rejection

Did you know that humans have a fundamental need to belong? Just like food and water, acceptance is essential for our survival.¹

When the feeling of connection and belonging that we crave is destabilized, it can have devastating effects on our lives and the people around us.

To belong is to be a member of something, to be recognized, appreciated, seen, known, and loved.

When we’re cast aside, overlooked, humiliated, or ostracized, we encounter an emotionally and psychologically painful experience: rejection.

Humans have an innate need to belong.

What does rejection stir up in us? How can we face rejection in a healthy way to restabilize our hearts and minds after pain weakens them? How can we even go so far as to use our painful experiences for growth and good?

Exploring this topic will help us face ourselves honestly, lovingly, and authentically. That way, we can step onto a true foundation. From there, we can confidently and steadily move forward toward our dreams and destinies.

table of contents

1. 1. 1. 1. 1. 1. 1. 1. what we fear most: rejection
                     2. our deep desire to belong
                     3. the effects of feeling like you don’t belong
                     4. reacting to rejection
                     5. be gentle and kind with yourself
                     6. what you faced yesterday can set someone free tomorrow
                     7. a final note: when you feel alone, misunderstood, or unseen

what we fear most: rejection

If you’ve faced it, you understand that rejection can be one of the most painful experiences we can have on this earth. Studies have shown that the same areas of our brains affected when we experience physical pain are activated when we face rejection.2

The American Psychological Association – based on a study by Naomi Eisenberger, Ph.D. and colleagues who observed the effects of social rejection on the brain using an fMRI scanner – stated:

• • • • • • • “As far as your brain is concerned, a broken heart is not so different from a broken arm.”
            • “Social rejection can influence emotion, cognition, and even physical health.”3

This link between rejection and its effects on the mind and body go all the way back to the age of the hunter-gatherers. If someone was cast out from their tribe, they had a very slim chance of surviving alone. So those who were highly alert to the risk of ostracism were at an advantage. By remaining connected to their tribe – by belonging – they could survive.2

In short, belonging was vital to life itself.

In the age of the hunter-gatherers, belonging was vital for survival.

our deep desire to belong

Rejection is always painful, no matter who is rejecting us and why. In a study, even a group of African American students felt pain when rejected by a group they were told were members of the Ku Klux Klan (!).

Rejection is always painful, no matter who is rejecting us and why.

You don’t have to love or even like someone for their rejection to hurt. They could be your best friend or mortal enemy, and because of how you’re wired, you can still feel pain when they turn their back on you.

In another study, individuals who earned money after rejection faced the same amount of pain as those who didn’t.1 These scenarios show us that we should never feel weak or guilty for wanting to belong – no matter where or with whom that desire lies. It’s in our very nature.

I think this is one of the first things we must understand to remove any shame associated with undesirable ties to others.

There’s a reason you feel the pain you do.

the effects of feeling like you don’t belong

So what happens when we don’t belong and are, therefore, rejected? Our fundamental need to belong is damaged. It destabilizes. This can make us feel disconnected, even betrayed. Feelings of sadness, anger, anxiety, jealousy, and depression can surface.1

Our performance can begin to suffer, and the self-control that helps us make wise decisions can weaken. Essential functions may get thrown off balance, such as our abilities to sleep soundly and fight off illness.

reacting to rejection

When we come face to face with rejection, we might act in one or more of the following ways, sometimes at different stages of our experiences or various times of our lives.

1. Re-Establish Connection

We can choose to connect with someone who knows, loves, accepts, and values us and share what happened. This can ease the pain of rejection and set us on a path to recovery.

We can face the pain of rejection, process it, and move on from the uncomfortable event that made us feel inferior, reminding ourselves that we are not. This may require outside help – such as speaking with a mental health professional, surrendering the pain to a higher power, or discussing what happened with a trusted friend.

Connecting with someone who knows and loves you can help ease the pain of rejection.

These two paths can be effective ways to move through the pain of rejection and heal. Of course, not every one of us at all times of our lives will have someone we know, love, and trust enough to re-establish this kind of connection – or know to do so when a situation arises. This can lead us to other paths.

2. Conform to Fit In

A common reaction to rejection is re-establishing a broken connection by fitting into a new group. This may involve conforming to get others to like you. We may learn how to better pick up on social cues to become more likable.

Now, this isn’t all bad. Desiring to belong to a group isn’t only natural like we mentioned above. It can also be very positive. Neurology tells us that “positive social interactions release opioids for a natural mood boost.” Dr. Nathan DeWall says, “We also have needs for positive and lasting relationships.”1

The problem arises when we betray our true selves to fit in. We can quickly bury or lose sight of who we are as we adopt the qualities of others. Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in becoming someone that others approve of that we lose our own identity.

We can forget to love ourselves as we should when we become overly focused on others. Jesus tells us to “love our neighbors as ourselves.” Of course, the prerequisite is to love ourselves deeply first and see ourselves as Jesus does – chosen, loved, and enough. If we don’t, we can’t as authentically and effectively love others.

3. Force Yourself to “Move On”

If we don’t seek connection or face the pain and process it properly to truly move forward, it can become buried deep inside us. We may push through, drown out, or “forget” our negative feelings by channeling our energy into things that help us cope with pain.

This could surface as an addiction, workaholism, or even building a “successful” life filled with wealth and abundance. Dr. Mike Hutchings, who helps people dealing specifically with PTSD, says:

“There are very high functioning individuals that have a tremendous amount of trauma, but they have been able to channel that energy. Or they’re using other things to deal with their pain. For instance, you have owners of companies, leaders in the church, but in the background, they may have an addiction. They may rage on a regular basis… They may have all sorts of problems.

“I had the privilege to talk with a group of African American entrepreneurs, and they were all millionaires. But each one of them all confessed to having some form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

“Some of them treated their pain through addictions like drugs and alcohol. Some of them treated their pain through pornography. Some of them treated their pain through workaholism. Some treated their pain through success.”4

Listen to the full podcast episode on The Carrie On Podcast.

Our negative feelings that we never worked through can become deeply ingrained in us. They can (and will) surface again years, even decades, later. And they often come out in relationships with the people we love most.

4. Exert Control

If we refuse to forgive those who wronged us and don’t attempt to re-establish healthy connections or work through our pain, we may exert control in unproductive ways. If our negative emotions become strong enough, they can surface aggressively, leading us to lash out at those around us. We might try to force others to notice us, demand respect, say cruel things we don’t mean, or become violent.

5. Self-Isolate

Our negative feelings can also turn inward, forming thoughts of guilt, shame, blame, and self-hate. If we experience prolonged or repeated rejection, we can give up trying to fit in and belong entirely. This can lead to depression, substance abuse, or even suicide.

*NOTE*

No matter which of these paths you’ve taken in the past or are walking now, there is no guilt here. There is no shame. If we’re being honest, most of us have reacted to pain in every one of these ways at one time or another. Regardless of where you are on your journey today, remember that you are dearly loved.

be gentle and kind with yourself

Healing from a painful experience or chronic rejection may take time. It can be very difficult. So be patient with yourself. Don’t push too hard or treat yourself with a hard hand. That would be equivalent to forcing yourself to run every day even though you have a broken back. First, you must wait for your back to heal, then you can begin slowly rebuilding strength and stamina.

Be gentle and kind to yourself in your healing journey. Forgive yourself if you make a mistake (which you undoubtedly will). Remember that you are precious and worthy of the time it takes to heal. You don’t deserve to continue experiencing the pain of rejection. You never deserved to experience it in the first place.

what you faced yesterday can set someone free tomorrow

Don’t hesitate to address what you’ve experienced or be ashamed of what happened to you. You have strength and wisdom in you because of what you’ve gone through. You may not have acquired it any other way.

There is power in your story. It can set others free. You can encourage someone facing a similar situation. Show them that the rejection you experienced doesn’t define you. It’s not your identity. It’s just a tool in your arsenal that you can leverage for something greater.

In the Bible, Isaiah speaks of a man named Jesus – 700 years before He was born! This is what he says not only of Jesus – the healer of our souls who’s fighting for our complete freedom – but of you and me: the brokenhearted who will be healed and set free.

“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the Lord’s favor… To comfort all who mourn; to grant to those in Zion – to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.

“They shall build up the ancient ruins; they shall raise up the former devastations; they shall repair the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations… Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion; instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot… They shall have everlasting joy.” Isaiah 61:1-4, 7

After the Lord heals our broken hearts, then we can really get to work.

“The poor become, through the Messiah, creative restorers of the sad situations that man has had to live with for so long (ESV Bible study notes).”

a final note: when you feel alone, misunderstood, or unseen

Being an outcast does not mean that anything is wrong with you.

You can search the world over for reasons you’ve been rejected or tips on how to fit in. But I don’t think the answers you find will be very helpful or productive most of the time. I would even go so far as to say that most of them aren’t based on truth in the first place. They can be discouraging, hurtful, and dishonoring of who you are and where you are in your journey.

The truth goes to the depths and fixes what’s broken so that we can grow on solid ground and blossom in beauty and goodness. That kind of truth only comes, ultimately, from one source.

Jesus Was an Outcast

If we want to go all the way in our healing journeys, we must look to the Healer Himself. And He just so happens to have been the biggest outcast and most rejected human to walk the earth.

He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces, he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.” Isaiah 53:3

Jesus shows us that people will reject us even when we do nothing wrong. Some won’t accept us because we’re kind. Others will laugh at us because we’re smart or talented or do things differently.

If you’ve felt different all your life, like you don’t belong in many of the settings in which you’ve been placed, there is nothing at all wrong with you.

Everyone wants to belong somewhere – we established that at the get-go. But not everyone is willing to betray everything they are to belong no matter what. This tension, this opportunity, is what we’ll dive into in Part 2 of the series: “Where Do I Belong?”